The Unnecessity of Dating

I never have all of the answers
…ahhh there are so many internal conflicts going on inside of me. Sometimes I (figuratively speaking, the I in my mind) sit back and watch both sides of the debate battle on the treads of my cerebellum willing to side with whoever wins just to get over thinking the same thoughts. Its tiring , yet I am restless with no solution. So my rampant mind so flustered with ideas needs to release.Topic of the day is./././././.(simulated drumroll) THE UNNECESSITY OF DATING , subtitle And the curse of being single.
I have a good point I swear!
And so we meet, Umm because I was at a bar and looking extra HOTT that night (because its texas and at 1130pm its easily 90 degrees). You approcah, ideally, and we talk until a technological exchange of numbers occur. Then I
A: Hope that you call tomorrow because its my day off and we can go lunch !
B: Get turned off and tempted to ask for my number back because you asked “so what are you doing after this”
C: Get a call from you at 2:01 am after the bar is closed ,asking “ what you doing ?”
D: Wait 3 days for you to call me , which seems like forever ,but I refuse to call you first because I don’t want to seem aggressive
F: Never get a call from you because you didn’t get the answer you wanted to the imfamous”what you doing after this?” quiz

I will end the options there . For the sake of my need to end this shortly and its 12:55 am ! Ok, so we will go with Option D. You FINALLY CALL ME! No , No you don’t call, that’s played out , You TEXT ME! And forcefully meshed into societys trend I text you back. We txt talk consistently for an hour , an arrangement is made to meet. We go to The Grand Luxe café’, because I tell you that I have never been But that’s not true, I have been before , it was on a different date and I really want to go back so ..well you get the point.So we are there,and None of the waitresses recognize me from last time, good . Our conversation is great! IM GETTING TO KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU! I did get to mention I wanted a glass of water in between your Prelude and then your primary introduction. I am waiting for you to find me interesting enough to ask me a question , and Finally YOU DO! “ So why don’t you have a man?” ..AHHH NEXT QUESTION! Can we discuss my favorite color, much more meaningful. ANYWAY..I get thru this date with you , somehow STILL INTRESTED, partially credible to my lack of options.And as we continue to communicate, you grow on me. I like you. You “like” me too.And now we should have sex , after date number 2.5. Date 2.5 comes after we have gone out twice, and then you come over one random day . At your own premeditated time of 945pm.
But I am celibate. This REALLY doesn’t work for you . Well actually you don’t believe me. Because I told you this on date two, while we were sharing all of the things that we don’t usually say, by the way , Whats your last name? I mean , shouldn’t I know this before I am aware of your condom preference? But I like you. We don’t have sex, and you havelost all interest in me , unbeknownst to me. I try to persuade to take things slow, to really get to know me, meanwhile date 3 is post poned and you are back at the BAR THAT I MET YOU IN , talking to this Reeeaaaalllyy HOTT chic!
What a waste of my time! At least the rustic lasagna at Grand Luxe Café’ was worth something!
I don’t understand my generation , the preceeding or following. Where have all of the gentlemen gone? Are they extint? Or are they all on a small Island waiting for what they presume to be the possibly extinct generation of Classy , Moral women to discover them? I have a strong DISBELIEF in dating . It’s so wrong. Dating is a short , politically correct way to say Sex search. It is an unwritten rule that sex shall be had if we are dating .I cant fix this! No matter How I dress, present myself, act etc these indulgent one track minute minded men , cant seem to focus on anything other than what is between my thighs. Speaking of which , I need to tone up a bit . But I blame the women, the ones who wear floss and rinestones to the club , or jeans tight enough get a BP reading by sight.I blame the ones who have NO SELF CONTROL AND GIVE IT UP to any and every attractive man they meet. Even the unattractive ones with or without money. This host of lust and perversion (that I once participated in shamefully said) has now become a henderence in my quest for a companion.
I DO NOT WANT A BOYFRIEND! There is no such thing as boy friend and girlfriend! I cant believe I fell for that foolishness for all those years. Society has mislead US in to thinking that Boyfriend and Girlfriend is really a status. It’s only a compund word. A tool to bring satisfaction to our innate desire to posses. Hence”my boyfriend”. However, the bible never mentions “thou shall be faithful to thines Boyfriend. “ it’s wife and husband, everything predicating that , is probably man made union forged by expectations. (trust, monogamy etc”) ok , but that’s another subject.Im still debating that in my mind.(cerebral scuffle round 3)
Now I look and feel foreign when I say I want a gentleman. A responsible person, to whom I can respect and have that respect reciprocated.A man who will take care of me (when married of courseNO SUGAR DADDIES) A man who has a strong faith and affection for God. Human , with his flaws and all. But knows the definition of flaws. He wont cheat on me , lie about it , get caught , then confess and say “ well everybody has flaws vanessa! “ ahh I could just scream.
What happened to wanting to get to know people. I happen to think that I am pretty darn interesting . And I enjoy meeting the other , few, scarce, interesting people that are still roaming this earth that is over populated with facades, and materialistic measures of value. Is there a chance that I may meet a real person , who isnt so consumed with status, implant size,hair texture, complexion, porn positions, that they might be delighted to know that my favorite color is purple? I listen to classical music, Im artistically inclined. And I have thoughts up here in my head, above the neck, you know..that thing with the face on it?
So for me, dating is UNNECESSARY..I don’t want to waste my time, and I need to sheild my heart from random and futile disppointment.HOWEVER.. I want the intimacy!
And the plot thickens…….
What do I do about my desire to love a man ? To have someone else thinking of me, possibly at the same time that I am thinking of them. I crave that sporadic excitement when I hear his name, or see his favorite commercial, or think of that funniest thing that he said last night on the phone, which when I repeat to my friends generate NO laughter at all, because it was only funny to me! What about a warm body to be next to.Ears to hear me. A reciprocated smile from someone other than myself smiling after I brush my teeth checking the whiteness.I want random txt messages preferably saying “ I miss you”. I want awkward moments , and petty arguments that make us realistic.I want to unite in prayer with him.I want to be serious. Planning a future. I want the intimacy of communicating without words. Him knowing , sensing my moods, and then other times being oblivious to what I feel was an obvious sign and me getting upset about it ! Until he says that Hilarious, yet NOT so funny thing again , that makes me and ONLY me laugh!
I may have watched too many movies. Reluctantly Ive become a romantic.Only to find myself romancing ideals that are far from my reach.I am frustrated sometimes, (particularly that one time of every month) when I see these couples holding hands (and mine are empty) laughing looking all happily ever after and stuff. Envy quiets me, however I feel obligated to look. It is the only eveidence that this companionship I long for is possible.
But in the mean time,No you can Not come over at 2:01 am . And 9:45pm is too late also. I hate to disappoint you , but sex isnt on my agenda. I want to know who you are, before I know how you feel.Respect my preference or leave. Don’t not try to buy me. (but I can be leased for a meal at the Grand luxe!)Don’t try to manipulate me. I am not a comparison. I am an individual , acknowledge or be ignored.

Epiphany

What I have realized is..There are infinite possibilities in the presence of positivity. There isnt a power Greater than God’s. The Facet of love is immeasurable when it is sincere.Life is depreciated without knowledge.Happiness is not a place, for this explains me being lost when often trying to find it. I am not as Open as I thought I was. My thoughts are mine, but easily affected by yours. And I am learning that standing your ground isnt always the best option, there are other places that can only be reached by floating. I think that there is no one definition for life. Loyalty is a fallacy , all things change.Friends are tangible , mortal, human and precious in any form that you may have them.There are some things in life that I would fight to the death for, but if I die fighting..I don’t get to live .
Trying to figure out who I am has been intresting . With reluctant submission , I have decided that I am enough. I wont be any thing other than who I am . This is me without make up. Emotional, sporadic,impulsive,creative,rebellious, Passionate, Happy , then sad , then happy again..or at least not as sad as I once was :) .we can call that happiness right? I came up with a blog thinking that I would show the world who I really am , until I realized that who I really am cant be summed up in a conglomerate of words. I am so many things, that I like and dislike but will soon stop caring if you do or don’t. No offense, unless you take it.
I am beginning to enjoy this airy feeling of having no solid ground beneath me. Of changing constantly . As long as my heart (notice I didn’t say actions, practices..it starts with the heart) is pleasing to God, and he grants me wisdom, I am enough. Because…he is everything.

shoudl I give this a title?

Feels like …
I am disappearing in the vapors of unsuccessful attempts to be happy
Those fumes of hopelessness trail me
Inhale me
And slowly blow me by like a breeze
Traveling 30 miles per hour like a sneeze
I believe..
Happiness is allergic to me

I am weightless on a scale..with a heart to heavy to hold?

I cant keep my head above doubt
I have so much but am doing with out
What I need to exist
Is it normal to feel like this?
I want to cry but
My tears have vaporized
Become a dust that keeps my eyes dry
And open in the wee hours of the night
Looking at thoughts cross my mind
Watching time
Preparing for another moment by moment day of un-fulfillment

Has happiness lost its shape or have my hands forgotten to hold?

You win when I
Give in to the yearning inside to remember what we tried
And hurt from its failure
You …win when I weep
When I cry myself to sleep
When I want to slip in to pieces of a cracked heart and fall apart
in mid sentence
In mid thought
You ought
To be so zealous
Of
This jealous love
And hate
That negates my ability to achieve closure
You ..my secret that craves exposure
Should have pity on my weakness

I am revealed like a secret that shouldn’t be told

I am
VERY unable to smile sincerely at times
Like..when a poem nearly rhymes
But has no meaning after you read it
And you cant really receive its
message
Then you think the author was dumb
But I know now the author was numb
And the only way to feel
Was with words
And probably not in the order you would have preferred to have heard
But in any sporadic order that could build a border
Around the pain he/she really wants to express
But cant find away to address
Its propriety , without being devoured in reality

Yet incumbent in my depression ..cowardly bold , to be unhappy .with no reprieve
Or so it seems.