The Unexpectation of hurt feelings...

And so , let me just come out and say this, I think that you really are the asshole that you said you were. I am speaking from the depths of my sincerity , words written to fit the script of my hurt feelings. There is more that I could say but wont , because I know that words can get in the way . But some things are unnecessary. I know that you don’t understand. I lose words when you are around. I cant find an explanation to suit you , one that you will accept and show compassion for. You are not the person that I can reveal any form of vulnerability to. Your talent for hurting my feelings with little to no damn effort amazes me. I didn’t see this in our future. I didn’t get to hold your hands long enough to read your palms.
Why does what you think even matter? Probably because I have often thought of you , in such high esteem . It should be mandatory that thoughts are mutually reciprocated. I’ve imagined your relief when my feelings faded. And I felt uncomfortable still knowing you , all undefined. I know that you were thinking thoughts that I was not privy to. BUT YOUR ACTIONS SHOWED THEM ALL . And as the day ends, I promise myself to leave these hurt feelings on this page.

Disenchanted

It wasnt my intention to feel this way . Which ever way I am feeling now, still undefined. My emotional vocabulary is very limited. He made it very clear that there was nothing between us, and if there were, he had already gotten over it . LOL . This is sincerely funny to me. THEN he acted in ways that contradicted his words. And I reciprocated these actions.And I found myself confused. IGNORANCE ISNT ALWAYS BLISS. So I asked the ? He gave an answer. I wish i coudl have given that answer BACK. "Finders keepers".There was a hint of hope in my heart that the actions were as sincere as my reactions. But this wasnt the case. So , disenchanted and distanced I am as if we never were. Because we werent lol. BUT strangely , I still llike this person .WHy ? Once he assumed and wasnt 100% correct, but i found myself strangely leaning toward that assumption afterwards. He's right I think too much .It isnt a" i like you so much LETS be together kind of thing " It's a "sometimes I feel like I want to be closer to you , but i know that teh distance is safe, but let ME control teh distance" kind of thing.But the THING is fading . Like hair color after sevral washes and too much Sun! Going ....Going...........................REVIVE ME! lol ...IM JUST joking .

A much needed Break !!

.....So I havent been here in a while. School , work and mother hood have had me SO BUSY! my desire to write hasnt depreciated however, my time and enery have drastically. So I have been battling math for the past few weeks. When I am in class I just dont get it . I dont think im horribel at math either, I think that if I had more time to practice then I woudl be better.Repetition is key. But I dont get to study like I want/need to. ANd yes I WANT to study. I want to be good at it , embrace the challenge. Besides Ive been an honor roll , over achieving kind of student my whole life, I cant accept defeat , i.e D, even C's hell! they hurt. But in this case, a C might just make me happy!
Ok , enough about the boring stuff. I really came here to talk about some things that Dawn and I have been discussing . Our newest topic has been REAL MEN. I despise the term. Arent ALL men real ? Or do figments of our imagination take life like form and roam teh common lands? We mutually agreed that when talking characterizing men who posess the qualities we admire (if any exist) we will refer to them as "REALISTIC MEN". Dawn stated in her blog that Realistic men , will love you the way you need to be loved, even in teh morning when you're plagued with eye crust .(and morning breath)
A month ago, maybe more, my short term memory fails me, ANYWHOO i met a guy. And from tiem to time he calls and tries to reach out and talk to me .He has even asked me out a time or two but I am always BUSY! And no ! He isnt ugly, I am just really busy!! But the other day , I decided to return one of several missed calls and we talked. The conversation was going well until we got to the part about me being single. He started telling ME why I am single. Reasons such as , I just havent found a GOOD man to love on me they way i need him to . I need a REAL man that will spoil me. I need a man who can take me out and treat me good every now and THEN , this is where i stopped him. I couldnt take it anymore. AHHH , lets start with teh word need.
NEED, I need a roof over my head, so I , (emphasis on I) bought a house. I needed a car, I , some years ago , bought one.actually Im on car number two right now. I take care of MY daughter, I provide our food, clothing and anything else that WE NEED. I take pride in being able, despite how hard it is , TO ALWAYS make a way , when there seems to be NO WAY. I dont intend to come across as over zealous, but ..I am goping to give myself a pat or two on the back when I need to. SO , about this MAN that I NEED, A GOOD man. Good men MESS up. IN FACT what I have learned from the FEW "good" men species , is that when they do mess up , its affect is actually worse than that of "BAD" men . Im assuming its because we thought that they were so GOOD that we forget they are MEN .
and once again, A REAL man to spoil me. SPOIL..what else can he do ? No , I want to start with real. If I needed a REAL man, then I can go outside and grab any tangible male body that breathing and fulfill that requirement . And what can he do to spoil me? And lastly , " I need a man who can take me out and treat me good from TIME TO TIME. THIS I definitely DONT NEED! Time to time SCREAM inconsistent!
WHat I woudl like, rather than sporadic moments of affection/acknowledgment, is STABILITY. I prefer a REALISTIC MAN , who will take the time to get to know me , and adapt to me. And HELP me improve thinsg that arent so great , and SUPPORT the things that are. When I am so tired that I am delirious , then he will cook. When I am really emotional about something he doesnt have to understand , but he wont blow me off. And taking me to Nordstroms to shoe shop, although NICE , doesnt fix our problems.
He had all of these remedies , as IF i am broken without a man. LORD KNOWS I am single by choice. WELL, ok, let me be honest since Ive included teh lord and all, SEMI choice LOL. I choose not to settle for whats comfortable at the time. And I have mixed emotions about dating and teh who "relationship"outside of marriage , OR teh intention of marriage thing. And my eyes are EASILY DRAWN to attractive men , and my heart is defective , it always aims towards teh WORST ones of teh bunch. SoI have some reconstruction to do. And My focus is geared toward an intimate relationship with God, and the REALISTIC man that will be blessed to stumble upon me, will have this same desire.
So Mr, who I wont talk to on teh phone again, really ignited a flame in me. Telling me how sexy I am , and How smart I am (after 20 minutes of conversation you have self assessd my IQ, Really? ) and tellingme all this other mumble jumble he assumed I wanted to hear, did more harm than good.Im not easily flattered.Well, thsi has gotten LONG enough . I have more math homework to do .ttyl