WHile House Browsing online, i came across this room and fell in love! DO you see those walls? So I've decided that in my new house, where ever she may be, Iwill have two rooms decorated like that. I wont give out ALL the details(because I dont have them lol ) But I know what color scheme I am going for.Kyly's room will be project # 1.And I am so excited about that ! Then my office is project # 2! and thats all I have been focused on.I dont have any idea where i will be staying but I have my eye on one house that I really love so, we'll see.

The Unjust Obligation

I love her like…Like I have to ,
Like I am good at pretending And sending Mixed signals
That others cant read
Not knowing the self imposed obligations of me
I love her Like we….never were close
Like we were distant strangers Looking familiar like anger
And tears and pain
And silence because I love you was never said
I love her like ..love was dead and Every now and then I threw a rose at the grave
I love her like ships shackles and cotton to slaves
Its what I know but…not what I need
an unmasked inevitable shameful history
I love her like…That’s what took too long for me to learn to love me
I love her like this poem makes sense to you
Like it makes sense to do
All of the unnecessary things that I’ve done
Because I really LOVE Those who don’t understand
And If I just was who I am
Then they would judge me
Maybe …they , would not love me
So I “love” her....In quotations like a paraphrase
More like a plagiarized performance Mastered at a young age
And weary of rehearsal
I love her in reverse so…Im so far behind where I should be
The distance provides comfort
For long I have envied the examples of love that danced between us and mocked our incapability
I hated that I was not that redeemer of that “anytime you need me unconditional because I am” type love
But instead Got that , “at my convinced because I am lonely and there is no one else type” love
And Now I prefer no love at all
And for that I am guilty
So ..to evade the shadows of shame casted,
I …Love her like im “supposed” to
Until I don’t have to Anymore..

Multiple Masters

SO ..Today was a pretty Good Day for me! I didnt do much of anything and that felt GREAT! However I have a few things on my mind. As always.Lately I have been thinking about to servants of Two masters , and the impossibility of loyalty . I decided that was a topic that I wanted to write about but as I sat down to write it , I realized the complexity of this issue. WHat I had in Mind was CLUBS and CHURCH. The Ganster rap Christians and 9-5 christains. But Then I started to think about the JOB vs Parenting, Friends vs School, Relationships (company) vs identity /self-esteem.
Just thinking about how much I have to say about these topics intimidates me(because Im tired and craving a snack) and I think that I will have to discuss them each ONE by ONE. On DIFFERENT DAYS!! So I guess I will just get this little PREVIEW out there, to let you know whats coming soon.

8 Things About Me
I was tagged in my email about this one, so I figured I'd tag all of you out in blog land. Here goes:
8 TV Shows I watch:
1.Spongebob Squarepants
2.Law and Order Criminal Intent
3.Back at the Barnyard
4.American idol
5.Snapped
6. Fresh Prince
7.I survived
8.Forensic files

8Things that happened to me/I did today:
1.I went to work but didnt have to work
2.I got an oil change
3.I cooked/ate Lamb chops and spinach
4. I prayed and felt peace and happiness
5.I sat outside with kyly while she painted
6.I painted one side of a board for Javetta
7.I complained about how hot it was outside and attempted to come inside and take a nap
8.Instead , I found myself in front of the computer posting this blog

8 Things that I look forward to:
1. Buying a house in the NEAR future
2.Completing my MGIB paperwork
3.Going to Kimberlys wedding in new Orleans!!
4.Eating and having a GREAT time at the reception!
5.Starting school AGAIN in august
6.Making up my mind on my major!!!
7.Changing more and more for the better following the influence of the Holy spirit! and NOT my own desires
8.Seeing Kyly every morning !!

8 Things that I wish for:
1.To continuously be thankful and humble vs self righteous and critical
2.For SOME ONE WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS FOR privacys sake TO remain discontent in their spirit until they realize how selfish they truly are and how hard it is for other people to deal with and THEN CHANGE!!!!
3. To find a Very beutiful home That I will Love and Raise my daughter in , SOON!
4.To always be mindful of my role as a Christian , and not as a person with PERSONAL preferences
5.to SAVE more MONEY , because every time I get up there something happens!!
6. To give Javetta and JEff their space , and the beautiful undescribable feeling they gave me by being who they are
7. Come face to face with some people that I miss
8.To not STRUGGLE so much with Forgiveness!!!

SO of course every morning when I drop my darling child off at school , she pouts and sometimes crys to make me feel bad. And it works EVERY TIME! you think I woudl be over it by now!!!But Im not! She was so cute at school today ! But when I went to pick her up , teh teacher was in there yelling at the kids for no reason. I was really shocked I had to report what I had seen. ANd I hope to never walk in to her class and witness that ever again.

silence said

Man… I should have never let you in

But the wind blew the door

And the wind blew some more

And before I could catch a breath in the breeze… you and I became WE
And we skipped the part about setting boundaries
Who do I call when something new happens and I know that you would be all ears
But you were incapable of being sincere
Which is what I needed more that hearing
But you couldn’t see that
And I felt like I was being used
And kindness became weakness once it was abused
And …and we acted senseless
During this endless Struggle to make sense of us
You pretended to attempt changeI remained estranged
But involuntarily longing for WHAT I THOUGHT we could have had
Oh how foolish was I
how sad
And people say GOOD bye
What’s Good when I , had to force myself to get you out of my system
Because I was becoming too comfortable with being the victim
And you the anti war hero With the cape and special affects
Arriving only to neglect THE OBVIOUS
You made an appearance to be seen, not a savior
I mean...you didn’t really care,
It showed in you behavior
BUT YOU WERE there..You were
And you are not
And I would like to think that I forgot
All about us ..
But I would ALSO like to be honest
And both cant beSo at this point what’s best for me
Is…To be quiet

I am

I am just an adjective undeclared
The root of an idea squared
Confusion at it’s highest peak …chaotic when my mind speaks
I am …finding my way
Lost in a sea of opinions …cant swim thru the judgmental dominion
Cant catch a fish in lake full of frogs
Cant move forward if I keep pressing pause
Rewind
I am …..just an adjective Undefined
Changing with the pace and the pressure of time
Maneuvering silently like a mime
Dying to open m mind
Pour a thought , spill my words
But to the deaf and mute I go unheard
And not those who are clinically diagnosed
I mean the ones who think they know the most
Those whose opinions overshadow their chances of going far
Who don’t hear me when I whisper “im smarter than you think you are”
Im a mastermind…any craft Im blessed with I Master mine
Go after time
Chase it …make memories with haste
Give the essence a taste
Of what I am in my natural presence
Without any rough drafts or edits I am just…
a predicate
Better than you ever get , no matter how much you rehearse me
I am …..(whatever you place here)
Something rare, something fresh something new…
And undeniable paradox to you
I am misunderstood by far
Unaimed like a shooting star
Puzzling like the piece that’s missing
An empty well for all of your wishing…im up when you think im down
Im so high Im not around
Always above.
I am envied hated loved
Im abundance of nouns and action verbs…more meaningful than this conglomerate of words
That play with your mind
Waste your time
Make you divide
What you thought you knew…by what you will never understand
Im an adjective in plural…you try..But I just am

BABY MAMA MARKDOWN!

The Baby Mama Markdown
(siren) SOUND THE ALARM! Baby Mama Markdowns on special!
I’ve got 2 for 1 deals on Loneliness and insecurity: She will do anything to be chosen, and even more to be kept!She, Will keep her hair, nails , feet,eyebrows and makeup done! You will always catch her spending her last on Gucci, Coach BcBg and BeBe. You can catch her at every club and after party 20 minutes early. Depending on her schedule , You may even catch her in church Sunday ; praying for God to give her a good man. As a matter of fact you may even be able to purchase her right off of the pew. Wave two holy dollar bills her way and she will forget the Good Lords Name.
Also on sale, HALF OFF! Cha-CHING!! we’ve got the college/professional fatherless special.She is desperate to share her life with anyone willing to give her the time.She will give herself to anyman submitting to his pleasure to feel love.Hurry this deal wont last long , going fast!She will lose herself in the abyss of desperation, neglect her education, drop classes, skip work , swallow *%! Until it hurts and demote her worth to oblivion just so some “man “ can save her.This is a good catch Im telling you. It includes severe unawareness, not knowing the difference between love and lust, abuse and protection, security and codependency. She will even name her first born after you.
And Last but DEFINITELY not least we have the BUY ONE GET ONE HOODRAT MEGA EVENT! These knock offs will act several types of foolish in public.They will embarrass themselves and you in any public area all for the attention.One will fight the other , play on each others phone, ride by jobs, houses, local hang out spots and dedication waking hours to obsessing over each others myspace page updating their status’s to indirectly communicate with the other.One will race the other to get pregnant by you first so that she can show that other B that you really love her the most ! AND , get this!! When you disrespect her and leave her , she will fight stalk and harass any other female that you ever come in contact with. Due to overage on ignorance we are willing to share this abundance of ignorance with you free of charge. Please Pick one!
Oh? You don’t know where to find them you say? Call this Toll FREE # 1 900 -no -class or log on to Stopembarassingme.com to get more info. Also with a membership, we will include REFURBISHED baby MaMa’s, who need a man, ANY man :no respect necessary, nor job, standards, money , house etc.All she needs you to do is play daddy because no one has shown her to be a woman and take care of her responsibility’s left to her by one of our other clients.

I have a new computer now. I am SOO excited about it ! Its the HP Iq526 touch screen thingy. SO the picture that you see to teh left if one that I drew with my finger. HOW FUN! I couldnt beleive that I caught such a good deal on this bad boy either. I wont disclose the price but I will however be using this dream machine to express myself whenever I see fit.