Perspective

Yesterday , I was at work having a good day. And then it started , the whining and moaning from the grown children that work at the store. The Gossip, telling on one another, drama , and attitudes! So it affected my attitude a bit. Then Someone who will remain nameless for the sake of this blog , snatched some keys out of my hand. I started to react right then , but customers were around , so I remained professional. There was a rush for quite some time so I couldn’t t immediately tell this person about themselves like I wanted to.I spent 45 minutes going off in my head about what I was going to say and how I was going to say it . And then , This woman’s daughter had a seizure in the store.
By the time I got to her, the child calmed down and was just looking at me with these big beautiful glossy eyes with a reflection of pain. Immediately I am ready to cry and I asked her mother if she needed anything . So calmly she replies ,” no thank you , we’re fine.” Im standing there starting and speechless and she is holding a paper towel under her daughters mouth. During the seizure her daughter bit her tongue and was bleeding. Her mother tells me , she has seizures everyday, several times a day. She just didn’t expect it to be at that time of day. And she rubs her daughters back and says sweet words to calm her down. I lost the fight in holding back tears , so I try quickly to catch them.
What was I mad about again? Her mother said that she thinks it was the immunizations that caused the problems. She had a perfectly healthy child until after the immunizations. Her child does not talk. I have to guess her age, ,I think she is 7 or 8 years old . And this has been happening since she was four months old. I am still speechless. Standing so close strength wearing a green shirt and blue jeans. Beautiful brunette hair and blonde highlights . And she is so calm. Now I feel stupid.
Was I REALLY mad about somebody and their funky little attitude snatching keys from me?

untitled

Want you , like flavor
A taste
That’s my favorite
Miss you
Like music
that loved us with lyrics
Moved our spirits
And our feet
Wish I could skip a tune to get to you
Cant reach you
Stretching my arms
and losing balance
Love is vertigo
Mirages of our happenstance
Happily dance
In front of my eyes
Its amazing what i feel when I see lies
Chewing on unspoken words
That yearn to be sang
You are
My favorite song

Identity pt 1

Dear identity
Have I lost you ?
Are you hiding under layers of words never said in your defense
Or behaviors that didn’t make sense
But were convenient at the time
Have I lost you in habitual rhyme of deeds that weren’t my intentions
But so easily addictive

….. I wrote that two months ago . Recently I was suffering from writers block and when I asked for ideas several people mentioned identity . One suggested writing about how people constantly question who you are even though you feel that they should know you . And the other talked about people not knowing who they were or trying to be something that they weren’t. When I wrote that little piece above, I was BORED out of my mind in training . And I was thinking about how I perceived other people. And that lead to how other people perceived me. Which lead to how I view myself. And I didn’t even know, im ever changing . But then I started to think about if I had ever done or said something “ out of character” and never explained myself “are you hiding under layers of words never said in your defense” and then people would think that that was/is who I am .
But can you ever do anything out of character? It has to be a part of who you are if it came from you . Im not saying that it’s all that you are but , you cant just deny what you are ashamed of and pass the responsibility off to an outside force or alter ego. ACTIONS REALLY DO speak louder than words. A clever person came up with that saying.
Which , I wanted to mention in this CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT WIKIPEDIA isn’t an official source of information. OMG! I just knew that it was the NEW alpha and omega of all things (informational purposes) until I looked up affirmative action and discovered TYPOS! And Grammatical errors. I am still taken aback by that . But anyway..where was I ?
IDENTITY , obviously Wikipedia isn’t what I thought it was . And so I can only speak for myself in this Identity blog. I define who I am based on my own self evaluations and inspections of the heart. Then I select the types of people that I will allow to share my life based on WHO I think I am ! what if I was wrong? Im privileged then . Sometimes I have felt that when dealing with some people, I become someone else. Its as if these people have brought out parts of me that I didn’t know were in there. And I always like to blame the circumstances for why I acted OUT OF CHARACTER! Foolishness! I acted in character but this character had never been identified and In hindsight this wasn’t they character I should have chosen. If I were proud of my actions I would be the first to say “ that’s just me” just “ who I am “ . But I wasn’t so proud of these scarce occurrences .
Some people are the same with everyone. I don’t think that I am . Well I am not sure. I have my friends that I am close to. And I share soul secrets with them without hesitation. Then there are those people who I am getting to know and I am usually relaxed and open. Then there are those who I work with , I am detached , still personable, but not actively involved in our interactions. It is just work and I treat it as such. Then there are relationships with the opposite sex, and when we are intimate , I am ahhh… hell who am I ? see that’s when I become someone else.
Easily affected by their actions . Unaware of motives . sensitive..ahhh OUT OF CHARACTER!
I will be , whoever I feel comfortable being with whomever I am around. Most of the time it’s the Vanessa that most of the general population see’s. But there are times when I am guarded, vulnerable, quiet, funny, focused , detached ;the list never ends. I am a chameleon. I am . Someone told me this about a year ago, and it was one of the strangest things that I had heard. So strange because it was true. ADAPTATION IS THE KEY TO SURVIVAL!!! And this may be a qualifying factor in my identity crisis. I will sum this all up and say that I am undefined.
Did you know that "Go." is the shortest sentence in the English language ?

Pretending

These are the things That I want to say to you …
Instead I don’t wanna risk looking like a fool
Instead I hold my heart and my tongue intertwined
Its not a lie until you can prove it’s denial
I want more than I say I do
Need more that I get from you
Feel more than my words express
Pretending is my best …
Quality..
There are things that I want to tell you now
If you could look in my eyes, you would see it all over my face
But we are friends and this is what we are supposed to be
So I dare, dare not step out of place
I want more than I say I do
Need more that I get from you
Feel more than my words express
Pretending is my best ..
Quality
If I told you what I desired
Would we be something inspired
By love
Could you promise to stay close to me
Even if we couldn’t be
What I pretend that we are
Would knowing , take us too far?
Because… I want more that I say I do
Need more than I get from you
Feel more than my words express
Pretending is my best
Quality

Dear Customer pt 2

I am not your baby sitter. Thank you .

Fitting room fun!

Vanity , at it's finest.

One of my favorite Flowers, the French Tulip

Dear Customer

Dear Customer
Yes , I am the manager. I know that you have children , in some cases Grandkids my age, that doesn’t make me incapable of running this store. I don’t want to hear that you have records older than me. I don’t want you questioning where the other “ real” manger is. I really despise that look of disbelief when I approach. FIX YOUR FACE! And get over it.
Yes, I will help you with whatever I can. It is my job to make sure that you are accommodated while shopping here. However, this does NOT mean that I am your personal confidant , personal shopper, go getter, complaint taker etc. You don’t scare me with your threats to go to the competitors. I personally at this point , wish that you had gone to their store and gotten on their nerves instead. I am not giving you ANYTHING free just because you feel that you are ENTITLED to it . And please, Please understand that you WILL Not walk in here and tell me how to RUN MY STORE> You SHALL not disrespect my employees and boss them around. Just because you are miserable and have no one at home to listen to/put up with your horrible personality do not roam the aisles freely seeking an opportunity to complain. I DON’T CARE!
Had you not noticed, I am not scared of corporate. Customer complaints aren’t a death sentence. I will survive them and forget all about you .Stop stealing . Get a job! Don’t leave cups, wrappers, crumbs, and chicken bones in random places throughout the store. You are trifling. In case the memo missed you I am the store manager. Not a counselor, mediator, chef, slave, or anything other than manager. And I happen to be a woman , big deal. I don’t want you staring at me, or telling me how fine I am . Nor do I want you to stand 2 feet away from the restroom sign and ask “where is the restroom?” just to have a reason to get my attention. I also find it VERY unattractive when you step out of the restroom, hunt me down and ask me other useless questions. Im not flattered that you are walking 12 feet behind your wife to watch me.
F.Y.I Huffing and Puffing at me wont make me move faster either, just thought I would mention that. Heavy breathing doesn’t intimidate me, if you have Asthma feel free to stop by our pharmacy we have great deals on generic meds.
But I do appreciate your business(some of you ) Thank you , and have a great day.

Define femininity...

"A woman defines herself through the way she lives her embodied situation in the world, or in other words, through the way in which she makes something of what the world makes of her".

And so God made Adam. And, Adam was lonely . So God put Adam to sleep, took a rib and created a woman , Eve. And then Adam and Eve had a whole bunch of children and now here we are. So , I am wondering if, while they were naked like they were supposed to be , was there a style of naked for the woman? Did she get her nails done? How did she wear her hair? And after the whole apple thing, did she wear girly leaves and Adam wear masculine leaves?
I believe that feminism is Man made. There are definitive roles that a woman is supposed to have in a marriage (according to the bible) but outside of that who set the standard? Like who said that PINK was the woman’s color? And why when a man adorns pink he is gay? And why are their so many unwritten rules about what makes a woman feminine? Can we just be women? No additives or preservatives?
I burp out loud sometimes. And YES I HAVE DONE THIS AT WORK . Working with predominately men , I had to “man up” . There was always FOUL language “manly talk” . spitting , yelling, crude jokes, smoking and that nasty tobacco chewy mess, sex talk and this list goes on. But THE MINUTE I spit, or burp out loud after a coke , I was immediately characterized. I am “one of the guys” or a very unfeminine girl. I cant find a definition for myself. I am not the girly girly , and I am not a Tom boy. And why does it have to be Tom? Why cant it be Tracy ?
I like to race the guys, and I know nothing about sports. I love to read, obsessed with criminal shows and death, horror movies are funny , Im nonchalant and emotional. Aren’t men? I wonder why my lack of tears make me tough . And my abundance of them make me... a typical girl . I love fashion! I could style a person with my eyes closed! But sometimes I don’t want to wear TIGHT DRESSES or stilettos. And hell, purses tend to get in the way !Sometimes, quite often , I want a loose shirt , camouflage pants and Chuck tays! Why am I less attractive in that attire? When I am my most comfortable.
There are women , who make this Happy medium thing hard for me. The ones who get their nails done EVERY WEEK. And wear nail polish , and actually remove it when it starts to chip. And their toes and hands always match . And so does their bra and panties. And then there’s lipstick which I absolutely hate! And foundation, mascara, extra eyelashes, hair spray. They knwo each and every mac color by name and when updates on teh new releases. And there is the cute laugh . And a purse to match every ensemble. And they wouldn’t be caught dead in sweats and a hat. They only eat salad on dates and dot their i’s with hearts or smiley faces. They know all the latest celebrity Gossip, watch the Hills and America’s next top model religiously. They are always caught up on the latest girly trends it just makes me sick! I don’t know how they do it.
But then there’s the really cool “down to earth “ girl . She rocks a pony tail and lip gloss (MAYBE). Knows everything about sports, has favorite teams and cheers for them aloud! Goes to the bar with the fellas and she is one of the guys. She lifts weights at the gym.And drinks really strong foreign beers. Most of the time these women are one close encounter away from being lesbian .
Currently , I am typing this with week old polish that has begun to fade.This may be the 3rd time this YEAR that i have polished them. My nails are uneven. I never file them, they grow really long and they break. Maintenance free!!! And I don’t always comb my hair. I love Snapped and law and order. Track n field /gymnastic during the Olympics. I survived, I shouldn’t be alive, discovery and history channels. I don’t know catalog colors like “ shrimp” and “sunset” “placid lake “ etc. I know peach, yellow and you know , the rest of the primary’s. I played with dolls until I saw Chucky. It scared the be-jeezus out of me and I threw them all away. So I dissected random animals discovered in the back yard. And a lot of times, when im driving and i spot road kill, Im still so very interested in picking it apart. =-) I will run full speed from a bug ( and wait on a man to kill it PATHETIC!!!!)
The movie Miss Congeniality , with Sandra Bullock . Great movie, but SO stereotypical. First she was just an ill-mannered turn off. Not a speckle of femininity . Then she was A pageant queen. What about the person in the middle , you know , me! This is getting too long and I know that im not fully expressing what I think about this. BUT ...I just wonder sometimes why the ultimate woman is a blonde bombshell, with perfect highlights, in a dress that stops mid thigh. Her eyebrows are perfectly arched. Pouty lips a shade of red, maximized in gloss. Long legs complete with stilettos. And then there’s me, in a dress and sandals and glossy and wearing a purse ! And I feel like a woman , until I am tired and decide that sweats and a tee will do . Would I be any less attractive to you ?

Lackadaisical walk with God

I’ve made a decision to be transparent. That is the only way not to be a fraud in my opinion. However this decision , is easier said in my mind, then outwardly achieved. I fear becoming vulnerable to other peoples objections, or having my most intimate ideals discovered by someone who will use them against me. However, what I want to do , out weighs what I am afraid of .
Recently I have discovered that my walk with God has become lackadaisical. Majority of it is Good intention and spoken word. I have modified behaviors to accommodate what I think is in line with the word. I have made few attempts to get as close to “ in line “ with the word of God as I can. But I haven’t sacrificed much . I have made this a comfort walk for myself. I have basically without words told God to meet me where I am . WHO AM I ?
I am , thankful for the revelation! It is a blessing to uncover the severity of your own foolishness. But most of my desires have been of the fleshly desire. Those things that are tangible. I know that two masters cant be served, and I wish to serve God and God alone. I don’t not expect to be freed from every iniquity. However, I know that I need to fervently seek God. I have just been chillin. Saying 100’s of prayers and taking no action. I feel no shame in admitting this because I know that I am not the ONLY one with this ailment. It is easy to think that you are saved when you put forth effort to change behavior. However the questions of my salvation arise from my heart. The things that I don’t say, the actions that are desired but haven’t yet occurred. The iniquities of my weak and thirsty spirit is what needs to change.
How many of us have done a “good deed” and hold on to THAT deed and conveniently unacknowledged all unspoken bad “deeds” of our inner most thoughts? Hypocrisy is the yellow brick road to hell. Think about it .

abandonment

I am not abandoned until I have expected you , and waited endlessly in vain

progress...or the lack there of

Yesterday , I was off, So I went to school and finished up with registration . Then I decided that it would be a good idea to pass by my house and see what progress has been / is currently being made. And at this time , my foundation is supposed to be set .To my semi surprise it isn’t . And I happen to see the construction manager out there so I ask him about the status of my “house”. He says “oh yeah well , about that . We made a bit of a mistake.” There isn’t anything there but dirt and alleged plumbing , I see no evidence of a mistake. The obviously didn’t accidentally build it . This is what I am thinking . He goes on to explain that according to the floor plan that I’ve selected the original option is a storage closet . However I opted to make it a powder room . And SOMEHOW this was over looked during the plumbing phase , and NO plumbing was done to accommodate this feature. So inspection time came , and they failed.
Ok…cool
He then goes on to say , “good thing we didn’t set the foundation huh?” Is that question rhetorical? So Mr Construction manager says “ we just have to go back and dig a line and add the additional plumbing and then we will be good. “ Ok , that’s fine . but as I look around, all of the builders are waaaayyy down the street working on other houses.UMM can we get to my plumbing first before we place the brick on So n So’s house? I mean , can I get back on schedule? Is that too much to ask?

Rules of Engagement

I think I may set the record for absolute boredom. No one can be more bored than I. Even people in jail, I believe, are much more entertained. I am currently underwhelmed with where I am in life right now and this SO ISNT what I am supposed to be talking about.
Per a recent conversation with He who shall remain anonymous upon request J I have agreed to discuss a National Crisis.
Cell Phone Manners
My prediction is that the cell phone will soon become a part of the human anatomy. Any Darwinians’?? Evolutionist ??? Well Since we humans are so attached to the cell phone it’s possible with “evolution” it may become functioning part of our bodies. Until then, HAVE SOME MANNERS AND PUT THE PHONE DOWN SOME TIMES.
(It’s inevitable that I will be hypocritical while writing this). Anonymous expressed to me his distaste for citizens of the cell phone nation , to talk on the phone while checking out ,ordering food and other acts of face to face communication that are hindered or often neglected due to incessant cell phone usage. This was HILARIOUS to me at first. But then Anonymous went on to make a really good point. It is absolutely disrespectful. To remain on the phone , participating in (mostly frivolous) conversation while a person is trying to assist/communicate with you. It sends a message of disregard to his or hers presence , and says that what you are currently involved in is far more important than the person who is before you .
I am SO guilty of this ! I always talk while I am shopping , But I do acknowledge people. Sometimes , very few, but there are times that I will even end the call to complete my purchase. I Think that I can count those times on one hand though . As a matter of fact , briefly after Anonymous and I discussed the cell phone manners, I went to the store, while still on the phone and checked out ,…..still on the phone J …and with that blatant display of hypocrisy , I have want to shift to another subject .
The Rapid Depreciation of Verbal communication skills.
The TXT message (another hypocritical rant).actually I will save that

Contradiction..Pre-nap

I bought a journal last night, and I was all excited about it , then James reminded me that I had a blog, and Now after my $10.77 purchase, I have spent hours modifying and updating this thing. I think that I am on a writing binge, I love it .Remedial math ...
Anywhoo..So I shared "The Unnecessity of dating " with a few friends outside of the blog and Dawn seemed to love the statement "boyfriend and girlfriend isnt a status, it's merely a compound word" something of that nature. And that got me all excited. Then I realized Im not 100% sure that I feel that way. Im sure that I no longer want to put any faith into the whole Dating and titleling system. But , If i am "with" that someone special , and we're out somewhere maybe meeting his family or friends, how will he introduce me? DO NOT CALL ME YOUR FRIEND! I am special! lol , well once emotional bonds have formed and we are spending time etc.What will we say , to differentiate our "person(s)" from the rest of our friends/associates?
See this is where that whole title thing comes in handy ."Hey Stephanie, this is Vanessa...my __________. I mean , this is Vanessa isnt enough . Vanessa WHO? WHY am I being introduced to her? WHAT is she to you ? WHERE did she come from?
GIVE ME A TITLE! Hey Stephanie, this is vanessa, the woman who I have been spending plenty of my free time with and she is SPECIAL to me, we met 5 months ago, I really like her. Naahh! thats too much .Its so much easier to say ./././././././././././././. (drumroll) Girlfriend. isnt it?
ok Nap time- to be continued......

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