Identity pt 1

Dear identity
Have I lost you ?
Are you hiding under layers of words never said in your defense
Or behaviors that didn’t make sense
But were convenient at the time
Have I lost you in habitual rhyme of deeds that weren’t my intentions
But so easily addictive

….. I wrote that two months ago . Recently I was suffering from writers block and when I asked for ideas several people mentioned identity . One suggested writing about how people constantly question who you are even though you feel that they should know you . And the other talked about people not knowing who they were or trying to be something that they weren’t. When I wrote that little piece above, I was BORED out of my mind in training . And I was thinking about how I perceived other people. And that lead to how other people perceived me. Which lead to how I view myself. And I didn’t even know, im ever changing . But then I started to think about if I had ever done or said something “ out of character” and never explained myself “are you hiding under layers of words never said in your defense” and then people would think that that was/is who I am .
But can you ever do anything out of character? It has to be a part of who you are if it came from you . Im not saying that it’s all that you are but , you cant just deny what you are ashamed of and pass the responsibility off to an outside force or alter ego. ACTIONS REALLY DO speak louder than words. A clever person came up with that saying.
Which , I wanted to mention in this CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT WIKIPEDIA isn’t an official source of information. OMG! I just knew that it was the NEW alpha and omega of all things (informational purposes) until I looked up affirmative action and discovered TYPOS! And Grammatical errors. I am still taken aback by that . But anyway..where was I ?
IDENTITY , obviously Wikipedia isn’t what I thought it was . And so I can only speak for myself in this Identity blog. I define who I am based on my own self evaluations and inspections of the heart. Then I select the types of people that I will allow to share my life based on WHO I think I am ! what if I was wrong? Im privileged then . Sometimes I have felt that when dealing with some people, I become someone else. Its as if these people have brought out parts of me that I didn’t know were in there. And I always like to blame the circumstances for why I acted OUT OF CHARACTER! Foolishness! I acted in character but this character had never been identified and In hindsight this wasn’t they character I should have chosen. If I were proud of my actions I would be the first to say “ that’s just me” just “ who I am “ . But I wasn’t so proud of these scarce occurrences .
Some people are the same with everyone. I don’t think that I am . Well I am not sure. I have my friends that I am close to. And I share soul secrets with them without hesitation. Then there are those people who I am getting to know and I am usually relaxed and open. Then there are those who I work with , I am detached , still personable, but not actively involved in our interactions. It is just work and I treat it as such. Then there are relationships with the opposite sex, and when we are intimate , I am ahhh… hell who am I ? see that’s when I become someone else.
Easily affected by their actions . Unaware of motives . sensitive..ahhh OUT OF CHARACTER!
I will be , whoever I feel comfortable being with whomever I am around. Most of the time it’s the Vanessa that most of the general population see’s. But there are times when I am guarded, vulnerable, quiet, funny, focused , detached ;the list never ends. I am a chameleon. I am . Someone told me this about a year ago, and it was one of the strangest things that I had heard. So strange because it was true. ADAPTATION IS THE KEY TO SURVIVAL!!! And this may be a qualifying factor in my identity crisis. I will sum this all up and say that I am undefined.
Did you know that "Go." is the shortest sentence in the English language ?